In this volume of The Shared Table, we read a raw entry from a mother’s notes app. Her story is a testament to resilience, showing us that sometimes the strongest thing a mother can do is protect her mental health when her body doesn’t follow the ‘standard’ script.

Tell me about your breastfeeding journey. What challenges did you face?

“I’ll attach something I just found in my notes app from after I had my second baby. I’m now pregnant with my third, and haven’t decided what to do this time around. I could write something more eloquent, but this was raw and written from the trenches.

“This is my second baby, and my second failed breastfeeding journey. My first daughter was in the NICU for the first 5 days of her life. I pumped around the clock, only to produce a few milliliters at a time. The nurses told me it would get better once we were home and had more skin-to-skin. When we got home, I realized my supply wasn’t increasing at any measurable rate. I saw multiple lactation consultants, all of which told me to eat lactation cookies, drink plenty of water, power pump, etc. I tried everything, and eventually had to stop pumping at 3 months postpartum due to my supply drying up after going back to work.

“Fast forward 2 years… I’m pregnant with my second little girl. I’m over the moon, yet anxious as I lost a baby at 9 weeks in between my two daughters. People ask if I plan to breastfeed and I say yes, telling them I blame the NICU for my supply issues with my first daughter. I pray daily that I’ll produce a full supply for this baby. I set up prenatal lactation consults, buy everything I’ll need, and I feel much more prepared this time around. I give birth to the most beautiful baby girl and have the most amazing labor experience. She’s nursing wonderfully, and the lactation consultant in the hospital even says the baby is getting enough based on her cues and wet diapers.

“We go home the next day, and I’m on cloud 9 that I’m able to successfully nurse this baby so far. I had bragged to my husband about how excited I was to be able to leave my house without bottles and pump parts because all I had to do was bring my breasts. 2 days later, we go for my daughter’s first pediatrician appointment. To my surprise, she was almost 1 pound under her birth weight. The doctor tells me I have to start supplementing, but as my milk starts to come in I can wean off the supplementation.

That never happens. My milk comes in and I’m producing about an ounce each time I pump. She’s still nursing some and is mostly satisfied after feeds, but I still supplement of course to get her back to birth weight. We do this for a few weeks, and soon she starts refusing the breast because my milk doesn’t come out fast enough for her. My supply starts to dwindle despite the fact that I’m still pumping.

“Here I am at 8 weeks postpartum, sobbing as I write this. I feel like such a failure. I have IGT, slow refill, and low storage capacity. My small group at church is going through a baby boom right now, and there are 7 women who’ve had babies in the last few months. Of those seven, I’m the ONLY one who hasn’t been able to nurse or has had any milk supply issues. Why me? It’s so hard to sit around and watch everyone have that special time with their babies while I’m shoving a bottle in my baby’s mouth.”

How did your experience with low milk supply or breastfeeding grief impact you emotionally?

“I felt (and still feel) as if I’m not enough. The feeling comes and goes, but it’s hard every time I see or speak with a mother who exclusively breastfeeds her baby. Jealousy is probably one of the strongest emotions I feel. As I’m pregnant with my third, and again, surrounded by pregnant/successfully nursing mothers, the feelings start to hit hard again. Why, of all the people I know who’ve had babies, am I the only one who was physically unable to produce for my child?”

What do you wish you had known before starting your breastfeeding journey?

“I wish I would have known IGT existed. And I REALLY wish other moms knew IGT existed so they could stop telling me to drink more water and eat lactation cookies. 😂”

What helped you cope with the grief or unexpected challenges?

“To be honest, I never found anything that truly helped with the grief. I am still currently grieving what I thought taking care of my baby would look like. Seeing that my babies weren’t any less healthy or intelligent than any other babies did help, I guess.”

If you could share one message with another mother struggling with this, what would it be?

“It’s hard. Truly. One of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through because your body is failing to do what it was biologically made to do. There will be hurtful comments, hurtful Facebook posts, and judgement from others. Just know that your baby is healthy and happy, and deserves a healthy and happy mother too. Whether that means pumping for minuscule (but beneficial) amounts, or choosing to exclusively formula feed, your mental health is what your baby needs most.”

Every story is unique, but the healing is shared.
Reading another mother’s journey can be the first step toward peace. If you’re currently walking through the emotional side of low supply, my 46-page workbook, Sufficient: Healing the Heart of the Low Supply Mother, offers a dedicated space to process your own feelings and find your footing.