Do you remember when your precious little baby was born? You looked down into their brand new face, and fell in love at first sight. You knew from that point on you wanted to give that little one the world. Every good thing, you wanted to provide for your new bundle of joy.

Despite wanting to provide the world for our children, sometimes it feels like we’re stuck in a game of comparisons that can’t be won. This is especially prevalent surrounding infant feeding.   Emotions  such as envy, inadequacy, and grief can be triggered. Whether it’s seeing others who are accomplishing the goals that feel so out of reach for you. Or feeling inadequate because you are not able to provide your child with the the best feeding option.

Constantly comparing ourselves and our experiences to those of others can leave us feeling empty and depleted. The pressures associated with conforming to the “perfect” social media influencers, or meeting sometimes unrealistic milestones can amplify the feelings of inadequacy in early motherhood. Leading to questioning your abilities and worth as a mother.

When we compare ourselves to other mothers who are accomplishing what feels seemingly impossible can lead to envy. Envy only exacerbates the feelings of guilt, shame and frustration that always exist. It can also drive a wedge between us and other women who could be potential friends and support systems for us.

It’s important to note that our comparison usually comes out of a self serving desire to be a ‘good’ mother. Society paints a beautiful picture of the ‘ideal’ breastfeeding experience. But each mother and baby are unique and different, and some will thrive better in less than the societal ‘ideal.’

When we don’t match the ideal breastfeeding journey, it’s so easy to feel like a failure. Even though as mothers, we are doing our very best. Along with societal expectations, these emotions may also be fueled by personal insecurities, and hormonal changes.

Managing Feelings of Envy and Inadequacy:

A wise man once told me that “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I believe he was quoting Theodore Roosevelt. This has been a phrase that has impacted my life, and stuck with me since then. Envy and inadequacy are feelings that rob us of potential joy in our lives. In order to get that joy back, and enjoy a journey in motherhood, we must make an effort to avoid playing the comparison game.

I hope that as you read the tools I will share in this blog, that you will be able to overcome your battles with comparison, and seek for the joy that you deserve to feel as a mother.

First, learn to practice self compassion. Be kind to yourself, and embrace your own journey for what it is, not what you think it should be. Acknowledge the feelings in your heart without judgement. It’s okay to feel upset, and frustrated and envious of others. But don’t stay there. Don’t let those emotions define you as a mother, because you are so much more than you believe.

Next, limit your social media exposure. Set boundaries with your social media usage to prevent triggering comparisons. I have a whole post about this. I recommend giving it a read. But in short, consider unfollowing accounts that allow negative feelings into your heart surrounding your transition into motherhood, and seek for social media pages that promote diversity and experience of all infant feeding experiences. (I plan on posting a blog dedicated to my favorite resources and social media accounts for this kind of experience. So stay tuned for that.)

Third, focus on your individual progress as a mother. Celebrate your own small wins. Focus on the aspects of motherhood that make you happy. Enjoy your little one, because, trust me, they don’t stay that way forever. Trust that if it is hard now, it will get better. Your journey no matter what the twists and turns may be is a completely valid experience. Every step you take to move forward matters.

Fourth, reframe your thoughts. I like to keep a little notebook with me. I call it my black book. When I think a negative thought, I write it down on the left page, then on the right page, I reframe the thought. In a larger notebook, it may be more effective to draw a line down one page, and use it as mentioned above, but no the left and right of the line.

Another way you could reframe your thoughts is to write down three things you’re grateful for whenever you’re feeling envious. I also want to share something I learned from a Hypnobirthing class, when I was pregnant with my son. They did this guided meditation —Technically I think it was supposed to be hypnosis, but I’m a bit too strong willed for it to work on me. I digress.— Anyway, In this hypnosis, —meditation, whatever you want to call it,— I was taught to create a “bubble of peace.”

It went something similar to, “Imagine you’re inside an indestructible bubble. How big is it? What color is it? Is anyone allowed inside your bubble with you?” Then whenever feelings of anxiety or stress or someone tells you a horror story. Envision your bubble of peace. I think the bubble of peace is equally relevant in aiding a situation that could rob of joy. Especially the envy and comparison of the postpartum era.

Finally, I recommend that you seek support. If you are having trouble overcoming these feelings on your own, seek the guidance of a mental health professional who can aid in your emotional healing.

Whatever your journey has been, you are a wonderful mom. Your journey is your own. It doesn’t have to look like mine, or anyone else’s. Each and every person is valid in their journey, because each journey is different. Your worth as a mother isn’t tied to the ease of transitioning into motherhood, or breastfeeding. It isn’t tied to the quantity of milk you make. What’s most important is that you are a healthy, and happy mom, who is there to bond with and take care of your baby in a variety of ways. You’re doing a great job, just as you are.

When it comes down to it, the only comparison that matters is between where you started, and how far you’ve come. You’ve come a long way, and have been a champion through it all. Don’t let your struggles hide the amazing accomplishments you have achieved.

If no one has told you, you have permission to let go of your unmet expectations, and embrace your story in all of it’s flaws with joy. You are exactly the mother your child needs. I know that because you care enough to have found this blog, and read this far.

Have you ever struggled with feelings of envy when comparing your experiences to those of others? Let’s lift each other up by sharing experiences and how far we’ve come in the comments.