When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Go as Planned

You just finished another round of pumping, only to be let down, yet again, by your body. You think of the looks you are self-conscious of when you make a bottle of formula for your baby in public. The looks as you add a container of formula to your cart while walking through the grocery store. The nagging questions about whether you are breastfeeding. The unsolicited advice telling you how to do it “right.”

Then creeps in this nagging feeling of guilt. Guilt and shame that you have to supplement with formula. Guilt that you’re not doing enough. Guilt that you are somehow not enough for your baby. Guilt that you are not a good mom.

These feelings are, unfortunately, too common in our society. For some reason, we boast the benefits of breastfeeding but fail to equip women with the resources to fully support their feeding goals—no matter what their abilities are.

We live in a paradox. Breastfeeding is seen as the ‘gold standard,’ yet new mothers are often left without the resources to succeed. Lactation consultants are expensive, workplaces fail to provide adequate pumping breaks, and women with medical conditions are dismissed instead of supported. Meanwhile, the formula is marketed as a “wonderful alternative.” Yet, mothers who use it are met with judgmental stares in the checkout line. The messaging is confusing and often cruel.

When struggles arise, too many women are told that they just “can’t breastfeed.” “Formula is still a really great option!” And my favorite line—the one that feels the most invalidating: “Fed is best.” Because obviously, I’m not going to let my infant starve. These terms act as band-aids that may cover the outward struggles. However, a band-aid can’t heal the emotional wounds and scars left from a problematic breastfeeding journey. Breastfeeding is not just about nutrition. It’s often tied to a sense of identity, love, and sacrifice for many new mothers.

The Reality of a Difficult Breastfeeding Journey

I remember sitting on my couch after another failed attempt at feeding, hearing the phrases mentioned above from lactation consultants, family, and medical professionals. I knew my baby needed formula to live, but being told, “fed is best,” didn’t make the pain go away. It didn’t heal those emotional wounds.

I can still feel the sting of those moments—the ache of realizing my body wasn’t doing what I had always assumed it would. The way my heart clenched when I saw another mother effortlessly nursing her baby. The helplessness of watching my milk supply remain unchanged no matter how hard I tried.

For many mothers, the loss of breastfeeding is not just a logistical shift—it is an emotional, sometimes spiritual, loss. It can feel like a piece of motherhood is being stripped away. It can feel like a piece of your identity is being stripped away.

What the Research Says

You can skip the next section if you don’t care about the scientific evidence. But for those who are like me and love to know some stats, research confirms what many of us have felt firsthand.

Studies have found that postpartum depression is more likely to occur in women who plan to breastfeed but are unable to do so (Borra et al., 2015). Women who experience pain or difficulties that lead them to stop breastfeeding also have higher rates of postpartum depression (Brown et al., 2016). Another study found that a mother’s emotional well-being in the postpartum period is closely tied to her breastfeeding experience, and negative experiences can increase stress and mental health struggles (Dennis & McQueen, 2009).

This research confirms what many of us have intuitively known: breastfeeding is not just about nutrition. It is about a mother’s emotional, psychological, and even spiritual connection with her child. And when that experience is taken away or disrupted, it can leave wounds that linger for years.

A Shift in Perspective

I remember when my own perspective began to shift away from guilt and shame. I was sitting on the couch, contemplating my situation. The next thing I knew, I was seeing myself from a different perspective.

Rather than viewing my situation through my limited lens, I imagined myself as someone else looking in. I saw myself and thought:

“If that girl on the couch right there was my best friend, I wouldn’t want her to feel guilty. I would want her to feel loved. I would want her to know that her worth is greater than rubies. That she was doing her best, and that was more than enough to qualify her as a good mother.”

I believe that shift in perspective came from God.

The guilt didn’t disappear overnight, but it no longer had power over me. It no longer defined my worth as a mother.

A Letter to Yourself

If you are struggling with these feelings, I invite you to write a letter to yourself as if you were writing to a friend who feels the same guilt you feel.

You may want to start your letter with something like:

“Dear (your name), I know you are hurting right now, but I want you to know…”

Some questions you may want to ponder as you write:

• What would I say to her if my best friend were in my situation?
• If I saw another mother feeding her baby formula, would I judge her?
• What would God say to me about my worth as a mother?

Write your letter with kindness. With love. With compassion. Because the truth is—you are a good mom. You are worthy. That guilt you feel is not a reflection of your ability to love and care for your baby.

If you feel comfortable sharing your letter, write it in the comments below. You can also reach out to me here on my blog or social media platforms.

After writing your letter, read it out loud to yourself. Imagine speaking these words to your best friend. Let them sink in. If you are a person of faith, take a moment to pray and ask God what He wants you to know about your worth as a mother.

And if no one has told you this today, You are more than enough.